"Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they’ve said – when really it’s obvious. If I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.” “Raising the ordinary to extraordinary”
There have been much talk about the book and movie “50 Shades of Grey”. Well, I’m gonna loose my chains and add my two cents.
First of all I read the book, all three of them -- 50 Shades of Grey, Darker, Freed -- and I saw the movie. In my opinion the movie was a gross representation of the book, the book is way more detailed and much more exciting.
Now, there have been much debate about the appropriateness of the movie for teenagers and young adults. I agree this material is not appropriate for teens, but neither is it for narrow minded thinkers, who are just hung up on whether its porno, or abuse or whatever.
While chains and whips don’t excite me, I’m excited by things that don’t always go the same way- not predictable. As an avid reader of romance novels, Fifty Shades was a breath of fresh air in the sense that it didn’t have the monotony of ‘boy meets girl, damsel in distress and he comes to save her, 'they fall in love and ride of into the sunset’ vibe, it has an intense kinda twist and realness about it that makes you cant put it down. The man is in distress this time, not the girl and the journey to happiness is a roller coaster ride (with all the sex and drama and chain and whips included). Its a step outside of the typical and I like that.
The reality is, there are people like Christian Grey in the world, but real true love isn’t partial to anyone. The book is really about Innocence vs Twisted Experience. Ana, believes in love like many of us girls -- having the knight and shining armor mentality. Christian on the other hand, because of being exposed to a particular lifestyle from an early age, behaves and expresses his love the way he knows how to. Unlocking all the binds, in the end it's love that prevails. That's the 51st Shade many people even reading the book overlook because they are tied up with how it is expressed. All human beings share the same deepest longings: to know and be known, to hold and be held, to love and be loved, to experience connection without walls and expression without censors.
Apart from how they indulge in unconventional sexual pleasures, that have made many people uncomfortable, the book teaches a lot more note worthy lessons, such as:
What lives inside of this urge is the subconscious awareness that to love means to open yourself to the possibility of being hurt by losing the one you love. If you pull back from the person you love, you limit the intimacy, and consequently, hedge your bets against the risk. Therefore, the only way to love wholeheartedly is to find the willingness and courage to risk loss.
We have so many defenses to protect ourselves from the risk of loss. Some of these defenses are obvious and well known: we use sarcasm or dry humor to diminish moments of vulnerability; we create distractions like work and all forms of busy-ness; we constantly check our smartphones or become addicted to screens (Christian used work as a defence, Ana hid behind a lack of confidence).
The belief is also absorbed from the culture itself, for it cannot be denied that we live in a culture of “not-enoughness.” The cultural message says: You’re not thin enough, fit enough, healthy enough, successful enough... you don’t have enough style, friends, or fun. In short, you’re just not quite right because you’re not enough.
Once the belief of “I’m not enough” takes hold, it determines many of your decisions regarding intimate relationships. And when you finally do meet a partner who is available, loving, caring, honest, and every other quality you’ve been waiting for -- as opposed to the unavailable ones who had one foot out the door -- this latent, silent belief kicks in and the self-protective thought, “You don’t love him enough” or “You’re not attracted to her enough” is quick on its heels.
Now, instead of addressing your core belief that you’re not enough, you’ve made your partner not enough. Now, instead of you being in the vulnerable position of exposing yourself to the risk of being hurt or rejected, you’ve positioned yourself into the one-up position of holding the power. Now, instead of allowing the relationship to deepen in intimacy with an unknown end (as we never know what will happen when we commit to one person), the ego, in the power position, will try to convince you to run, thereby controlling the outcome.
The ego hates risk. The ego hates the unknown. The ego hates being vulnerable. In our bully culture, the ego knows it’s either bully or be bullied. It chooses to bully, putting your lovely partner under the microscope and convincing you that he or she is just isn’t enough.
In essence Love is expressed as an ACTION and experienced as a feeling. Don’t tell me, show me. Yet, love has an essence that resists defining in any single way -- it encompasses compassion, determination, tolerance, endurance, support, faith, and so much more. It was hard for Christian to express himself in a favorable way in the beginning because of his ego, coupled with fear and past experiences. But in the end, he did.
So, to sum it all up...
Be okay with the idea of being vulnerable with other people. Commit to both the other person you love and the relationship. Instead of denying the failures and shunning the mistakes, use them to pave the journey to a great love story full of character, hits and misses and grit that will be worth laughing about when you are old and grey -- no pun intended. Focus on the bigger picture rather than sweating the details; avoid majoring on the minors. Love people for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Talk through problems you will encounter; don’t shove them under the rug. Don’t forget to love yourself.
I don’t read surface, I read to learn… I found all that in the book… We learn as you grow and this makes the journey so very meaningful.
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