It's almost December, my favorite time of year... It's Christmas... and it's also going to be my anniversary 🥰. This year makes it four years in.
The memory is still fresh in my mind and it was the happiest day of my life. I could not have asked for a better day, a better ceremony, a better husband… I’d do it all over again. That being said, The stage of undress is in full swing.
Dress wrapped around the ankles, jacket off, tie on the bed, hair let down, make up off, absence of all the people that showed up – Marriage has begun! And here are few confessions…
#Confession 1 – Married life isn’t all cozy dinners and regular sex (Yes it's true); it’s also a lot of compromise and communication. It takes compromise. The word sounds easy enough, but when it comes to all the routine parts in our lives we take for granted (and have been doing the same way for years), it can be easier said than done.
My husband is a bit of a neat freak and I, well, not so much. We both have different ways of folding clothes, varying sleeping habits, etc. Each of these living adjustments can initially seem like deal breakers, but if you’re married then you can’t bail so easily — some middle ground has to be found. That means we are both learning how to adjust to each others mode of operation and avoiding the blow up whenever something is not done the way we are used to it as individual people. The conclusion, whatever the solution, it should be something the two of us come up with together.
#Confession 2 – You’ll realize very quickly that you can only change yourself. There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right thing.
Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man/woman — stripping him/her of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.
#Confession 3 – As you face your fears and insecurities , you will find out what you’re really made of. I am far from being the perfect wife, I’ve got issues some I know, and others, I’m sure, that I’ve yet to fully discover. I’ve been smacked upside the head, pretty early, with the cold, hard evidence. There were clues when Shane and I were dating, especially with the time thing.
Early on, I was annoyed with our time schedules. Being with a minster and ultimately being married to one, you have to come to the reality that time is gonna be spread and shared across a wide cross-section of people and things. He used to say things like, “This won't happen as much when we’re married.” Once back into the routine of our lives, a week in, I was a lil' disappointed that the same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. And I had that annoyance on a greater scale. I brought it up, and we had a conversation about it and sorted it out to an extent. I had to look at his side, the responsibility he has to balance his role as a Minister and as a husband.
Looking deeply into my soul, I’ve come to recognize certain things about myself. I’ve had to examine my history of emotionally distorted encounters with family members and friends and how deprived I felt at times; and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships and experiences have affected how I was approaching my marriage.
I still struggle as a work in progress. It is really early days yet, but I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in relationships are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you’ll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re learning to do with him.
That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.
I’m in this forever so whatever it takes… I’ll learn, I’ll grow.
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